Hello there! 🙂
Lately, I’ve been having quite a number of people ask me about my decision to be single. Some people want to know why I made the decision, others want to know how long it’ll last, still another set want to know how I manage. I decided to write this not only in answer to some of these questions but also as a reminder for me if I ever have doubts. Here goes…
I’ve always been one of those girls who are forever in love with the concept of love and being in love. I couldn’t wait to be in a relationship. I just wanted sunsets and roses, kisses, long phone calls, giggles, romantic walks and on and on and on; the list was endless. I’m a hopeless romantic and I view the world in color. While there’s absolutely nothing wrong with wanting butterflies in one’s tummy and stuttering at the sight of one’s beloved (There was actually a time in my life when I read the book of Songs of Solomon, EVERYDAY! Lol), I went about it the wrong way.
With absolutely no idea what I was going into, I dived into a relationship my first year of Uni and gave up all of me just so I could enjoy the concept I’d envisioned in my head for years. I didn’t get it, but I kept giving and giving and giving until I woke up one day and realized I had nothing left to give. This realization came four years too late. You’d think I’d learned my lesson, right? WRONG! I won’t go into the details of series of failed “relationships” that I got myself into after that first one, looking for something – I just wasn’t sure what. This time however, I didn’t have the patience that I had with the first one, so at the faintest clue that this wasn’t what I was looking for, I’d pack up and leave. And for every time and everyone I left, of course I was leaving behind a piece of me.
I wanted to feel whole, to be complete. I longed to be loved, if only half as much as I was willing to love. I wanted someone who would love me just as I was, love me past my fears, be patient enough to love me through my tears… Love story short, I didn’t get what I was looking for, still I’d move on to the next hoping that this one would be better than the last.
After my last relationship ended, I just got fed up. I gave up trying to locate “the one” because he obviously didn’t exist. I was tired of giving of myself, emptying my love tank, without getting a refill. In fairness to the guys I dated, they just didn’t have what it was I wanted; because truly NO MAN could ever have given me what it was I longed for, some of them did really try and never quite understood when I still wasn’t satisfied.
During my service year in one of the most boring towns away from home, I got a lot of alone time and spent a lot more time with my Bible, journals, devotionals, books… I won’t bore you with the details but I slowly began to realize what it was my heart longed for. Most of it I expressed in a post here. I was longing for home, for my source; a position no one but God could fill. I know it sounds cliché, it is what it is. Nobody can play God’s role in my life. God is a jealous God! He comes first… And for years I was looking for Him in people who could not and would never be ever to live up to the part.
Okay, so you’re wondering, can’t you have God AND a man? Of course I can. And I’m sure that’s God’s ultimate plan. Thing is, right now I’m going through a phase; preparation phase. God has a King planned for me like He did for Esther; A Boaz, like He did for Ruth but I’m gonna need preparation to meet my King. Can’t show up looking like I came to feast with peasants.
This preparation is beyond physical. Every aspect of my life is going through an overhaul. Trust me, it’s not easy. There are days when I just want to cry in the arms of a lover.. But I’m learning that God is enough! God is more than enough! I still fall short, I still make mistakes, but I’m learning and I’m growing and each day is a blessing. God is a faithful lover, God is a faithful friend, God is a Father, God is in me. He loves me! More than anyone ever will. And God is going to keep working on me until I completely accept it. Until both my heart and my head agree that God is my life and any man He brings will only be a part of it, a huge part, but a part still.
So for now, God has the key to my heart and I’ve given Him permission to hand the keys over to the man who’s worth it, only when He thinks it’s the right time.
Sometime ago, I made a list of what I wanted my future hubby to be like, down to the least detail. As I was praying about it, guess what God asked me? “If I answer your prayers right now, and he shows up, are you the kind of woman he would want to marry? Will you be everything on his list?” Errr hold up God, I’m all that and a little extra! Pause. Actually, I don’t think I am… Sigh.
When I first made up my mind to go on this hiatus, I planned for it to be for a year. (Only recently, I realized that Esther also went through her preparation phase for one year… Hmmm). However, truth is if God says I’m not ready in a year, well I’ll be okay with it.. More than okay. God is more than enough.
Q: What if God says no?
A: Then He’s got something else in mind, something better than what you would think up for yourself.
That’s the way I see it. It may be different from what you believe, and I’m honestly not trying to impose my beliefs on anyone.
It’s a process, I’m a work in progress. I’m His little princess and I deserve His best.
P.S. One of my bestest friends ever got on one knee and popped the question. Of course she said yes! Who would say no to such a perfect gentleman? One of these days, maybe I’d share a few stories of my encounter with one of heaven’s finest creations. For now, I just want to say a HUGE congratulations to Efe and his soon-to-be bride.
Thank you for being an awesome friend Efe. I’m so happy for you. I love you. God bless you and your union. :* :*