Monthly Archives: August 2012

More Than A Post


Indeed, this is not a post (at least, not your usual post). This is a birthday shout out to one of the most amazing men I know.
I know this is coming quite late and I apologize but I wouldn’t forgive myself if I didn’t do this at all. So here goes:

Happy birthday Efe! This is me taking a few minutes out of this day to appreciate you for the man that you are. I may not be able to go into details here but I just want to say a huge thank you for all that you’ve been to me and for me. Thank you for being a shoulder to lean on and to cry on. Thank you for being a confidant. I can’t count the nights I’ve kept you up so you could listen to my sometimes pathetic tales and offer advice.
I’ve learned so much from you in the past year that we have been friends (wow! It does feel like we’ve known each other for decades, doesn’t it?). One of the greatest gifts you’ve given me is the knowledge that chivalry isn’t dead. πŸ˜€ Thank you for being such a gentleman. Thank you for teaching me about unconditional love. You’ve restored my faith in mankind (overkill? Lol).
I can go on and on about your many fine qualities but words are not enough. I can’t even articulately express myself right now. I’m blessed and honored to know a man like you.
May God continue to bless and increase you. Blessings beyond the extraordinary, blessings that money cannot buy. Have an awesome birthday darling. Enjoy your first birthday as a married man.
Love you loads. :*

P.S. On this journey to becoming the woman that God wants me to be, God has sent several people to help me on my way and to be accountability partners. Efe was one of the first people that propelled me to even start this journey and he has stuck by me through thick and thin. He’s been here through the good and bad. Talking me through difficult times and scolding me when I need to hear the hard words. Nothing I do will ever be enough to say “thank you”. Wherever you are reading this, please take a minute and say a prayer for this awesome man, whether or not you know him. Thank you!
Kisses,
FutureNewYorker!

Bargaining With God…


Hello there! πŸ™‚
Earlier today, I was reading through one of my devotionals and this message really spoke to me, I thought to share. Hope you get something from it too.

“Don’t bargain with God. Be direct. Ask for what you need. This isn’t a cat-and-mouse, hide-and-seek game we’re in. If your child asks for bread, do you trick him with sawdust? If he asks for a fish, do you scare him with a live snake on his plate? As bad as you are, you wouldn’t think of such a thing. You’re at least decent to your own children. So don’t you think the God who conceived you in love will be even better?” – Matthew 7: 7-11 The Message.
Reflection:
When I go on a shopping excursion, I love hunting for great deals. What girl doesn’t love the adventure of finding the best clothing or the coolest decorations for the best price? I think it’s part of our DNA as females. A few years ago I bought a house and named it “Avonlea,” after a town in one of my favorite books, Anne of Green Gables. I want my home to be an eclectic, comfortable, and welcoming space in which to relax. When shopping for furniture, I bought most of the pieces secondhand. I love finding just the right accessory when I’m on the search for something to add to my home decor. And if it’s a bargain, I get all the more excited!
No wonder it’s easy at times for us females to approach God and try to bargain with Him. In our hearts, we know that He knows what’s best for us, yet we tend to be connected with what the whole “deal” looks like. Sometimes the fear of not knowing everything He has planned keeps us from giving our dreams to Him. We may not say these words, but we may be thinking them: God, I’ll do this if You’ll do this. I’ll give You this if You’ll give it back to me the way I want it. He’s the Lord of the universe, yet sometimes we act as if we can manipulate Him! But God already knows our human ways. And He wants more than that when we approach Him in prayer.
It really comes down to a matter of trust. God wants us to live fulfilled lives. He wants to shower us daily with His extravagant love. He is not withholding good things from us. He desires that we come to Him in obedience – pure and simple. And if we do that, we will be free, and that what He most wants us to be. I can’t think of a better deal anywhere.
Looking Further:
The Old Testament wisdom books offer some great insight into this theme of accepting from God what He wants to give us rather than bargaining with Him. We may not always understand what God is up to in our lives, but we can be assured that He’s all about what’s good for us.
* “After looking at the way things are on this earth, here’s what I’ve decided is the best way to live: Take care of yourself, have a good time, make the most of whatever job you have for as long as God gives you life. And that’s about it. That’s the human lot. Yes, we should make the most of what God gives, both the bounty and the capacity to enjoy it, accepting what’s given and delighting in the work. It’s God’s gift! God deals out joy in the present, the now” Eccl. 5: 18-20. The Message.
* “Let your love dictate how you deal with me; teach me from your textbook of life. I’m your servant – help me understand what that means, the inner meaning of your instructions” Psalm 119: 124-125, The Message.
Living it out:
Do you spend more time in prayer asking God for His guidance, attempting to bargain with Him, or simply coming to Him in obedience? Make a concerted effort in your prayer time today to leave the bargaining out, and willful obedience in.

P.S. I really do hope that you take your time to go through the message in this post and that it blesses you like it did me. Have an awesome weekend.
Kisses,
FutureNewYorker!

Lady In Waiting… (1)


Hello there! πŸ™‚
Lately, I’ve been having quite a number of people ask me about my decision to be single. Some people want to know why I made the decision, others want to know how long it’ll last, still another set want to know how I manage. I decided to write this not only in answer to some of these questions but also as a reminder for me if I ever have doubts. Here goes…

THE WHY:
I’ve always been one of those girls who are forever in love with the concept of love and being in love. I couldn’t wait to be in a relationship. I just wanted sunsets and roses, kisses, long phone calls, giggles, romantic walks and on and on and on; the list was endless. I’m a hopeless romantic and I view the world in color. While there’s absolutely nothing wrong with wanting butterflies in one’s tummy and stuttering at the sight of one’s beloved (There was actually a time in my life when I read the book of Songs of Solomon, EVERYDAY! Lol), I went about it the wrong way.
With absolutely no idea what I was going into, I dived into a relationship my first year of Uni and gave up all of me just so I could enjoy the concept I’d envisioned in my head for years. I didn’t get it, but I kept giving and giving and giving until I woke up one day and realized I had nothing left to give. This realization came four years too late. You’d think I’d learned my lesson, right? WRONG! I won’t go into the details of series of failed “relationships” that I got myself into after that first one, looking for something – I just wasn’t sure what. This time however, I didn’t have the patience that I had with the first one, so at the faintest clue that this wasn’t what I was looking for, I’d pack up and leave. And for every time and everyone I left, of course I was leaving behind a piece of me.
I wanted to feel whole, to be complete. I longed to be loved, if only half as much as I was willing to love. I wanted someone who would love me just as I was, love me past my fears, be patient enough to love me through my tears… Love story short, I didn’t get what I was looking for, still I’d move on to the next hoping that this one would be better than the last.
After my last relationship ended, I just got fed up. I gave up trying to locate “the one” because he obviously didn’t exist. I was tired of giving of myself, emptying my love tank, without getting a refill. In fairness to the guys I dated, they just didn’t have what it was I wanted; because truly NO MAN could ever have given me what it was I longed for, some of them did really try and never quite understood when I still wasn’t satisfied.
During my service year in one of the most boring towns away from home, I got a lot of alone time and spent a lot more time with my Bible, journals, devotionals, books… I won’t bore you with the details but I slowly began to realize what it was my heart longed for. Most of it I expressed in a post here. I was longing for home, for my source; a position no one but God could fill. I know it sounds clichΓ©, it is what it is. Nobody can play God’s role in my life. God is a jealous God! He comes first… And for years I was looking for Him in people who could not and would never be ever to live up to the part.

HOW
Okay, so you’re wondering, can’t you have God AND a man? Of course I can. And I’m sure that’s God’s ultimate plan. Thing is, right now I’m going through a phase; preparation phase. God has a King planned for me like He did for Esther; A Boaz, like He did for Ruth but I’m gonna need preparation to meet my King. Can’t show up looking like I came to feast with peasants.
This preparation is beyond physical. Every aspect of my life is going through an overhaul. Trust me, it’s not easy. There are days when I just want to cry in the arms of a lover.. But I’m learning that God is enough! God is more than enough! I still fall short, I still make mistakes, but I’m learning and I’m growing and each day is a blessing. God is a faithful lover, God is a faithful friend, God is a Father, God is in me. He loves me! More than anyone ever will. And God is going to keep working on me until I completely accept it. Until both my heart and my head agree that God is my life and any man He brings will only be a part of it, a huge part, but a part still.
So for now, God has the key to my heart and I’ve given Him permission to hand the keys over to the man who’s worth it, only when He thinks it’s the right time.

HOW LONG
Sometime ago, I made a list of what I wanted my future hubby to be like, down to the least detail. As I was praying about it, guess what God asked me? “If I answer your prayers right now, and he shows up, are you the kind of woman he would want to marry? Will you be everything on his list?” Errr hold up God, I’m all that and a little extra! Pause. Actually, I don’t think I am… Sigh.
When I first made up my mind to go on this hiatus, I planned for it to be for a year. (Only recently, I realized that Esther also went through her preparation phase for one year… Hmmm). However, truth is if God says I’m not ready in a year, well I’ll be okay with it.. More than okay. God is more than enough.
Q: What if God says no?
A: Then He’s got something else in mind, something better than what you would think up for yourself.
That’s the way I see it. It may be different from what you believe, and I’m honestly not trying to impose my beliefs on anyone.
It’s a process, I’m a work in progress. I’m His little princess and I deserve His best.
Kisses,
FutureNewYorker!

P.S. One of my bestest friends ever got on one knee and popped the question. Of course she said yes! Who would say no to such a perfect gentleman? One of these days, maybe I’d share a few stories of my encounter with one of heaven’s finest creations. For now, I just want to say a HUGE congratulations to Efe and his soon-to-be bride.
Thank you for being an awesome friend Efe. I’m so happy for you. I love you. God bless you and your union. :* :*

Musings


Hello there!
It has been a minute. Sorry for the brief absence. Did you miss me? Of course you did! Lol (pay me no mind). How’s everyone been doing this month? Hope August has been good to you so far.
I’ve been so out of my game lately, stressed up from working on little food and even less sleep. This new job is most definitely taking it’s toll on me and my body is already screaming for a break. Looking forward to the Sallah holiday.
Speaking of jobs, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately (I think a lot don’t I? Sigh…) about my work and what I want to be doing for the rest of my life. I know over the years, I’ve given this a lot of thought and have tried to be reasonable in coming up with possible career options. However, these past few days, I’ve been thinking about what I’d actually like my future to look like. If money wasn’t an issue and I’m guaranteed 100% success in whatever I decide to do with my life, what would I actually be doing? I tried not to include possible career choices I’ve had in mind, and just allow myself dream. Here’s some of the things I thought about:

1. What are the words that would most likely describe me?
Eccentric, free spirit, quaint, wanderlust, eclectic, freelancer, bohemian… (Get the picture?) Don’t mind that some of the adjectives may seem contradictory. *shrug*
2. What are my interests, and what are the things I’m most passionate about?
* First, I put down my five top interests;
i, Music
ii, Journalism
iii, Fashion
iv, Creative Writing
v, Travel
* Then I asked some of my closest friends to supply the answer to the same question. So this is an unbiased discovery
Music, Art, poetry, written word, photography, business, singing, travels, fashion, architecture, deep conversations, healthy living, beauty, languages, food (x_x), all things vintage, personal style, musical instruments… (These were the constant/recurring interests, and I have to say, they didn’t veer off from the list I already made. My friends know me *huge grin*)

I then put down in my journal possible career options from the above list. There’s a lot of things I could do. Quite a lot actually, that would encompass all of my greatest passions and interests. Would I take the leap of faith though? Close my eyes and jump… I’ll be working on that.
In the meantime, a girl can dream, right? πŸ˜€

Kisses,
FutureNewYorker!

New Wash


I’ve been waiting on the tears
Today, they came
Not like dam bursting forth
Like a spring, gently cleansing

Today, I feel free(er)
I feel light
A burden has been lifted
My guilt is dealt with

I’ve been washed
I only said “I’m sorry”
Not many times, but once
The most sincere I’ve ever been

The spring came up
Gently, like a well
Washing away the stains
And leaving me at peace

Finally, I smile.

Prodigal Me


I’m sorry would never be enough
I think the meaning is lost
I failed the test
I thought I was ready
I slipped, fell face down
Right here in the dust
And write with my fingers, this dingy retort

I knew I shouldn’t have
It wasn’t just happenstance
I didn’t make the move
But I danced to the rhythm and groove
I played with fire and mood
Thinking somehow I’m now immune
Forgetting that I need help
That this gift isn’t free to air

I broke my vow
I cheated
I didn’t want it, then I did
I got it and I hated it
Only a little, I did too much
Now I’m trapped
I want to come home
I long for You
But I am held bound
By my own doubts

The more I run away
The farther I’ll stray
And I hear You wait
Watching for my return
But my heart isn’t a switch
I can’t turn it on or off
I feel that I must pay
The suffering is my cross

My cries are silent
There are no tears
But my heart bleeds
And my thoughts are haunted
By the things I shouldn’t have done
I don’t want my words
To be simply I’m sorry
But that’s what I mean
Hear and understand
It’s to YOU I belong.

Update!


Hello there!
Welcome to a new month. Hmmm the month of August, not my favorite month in the year. August hasn’t ever been particularly bad to me, I just don’t like the sound of it. Maybe cause of the names children born in this month are given: Augustine, Augusta and the likes. I mean, why in God’s name will you name your daughter Augusta?! I kid, or not. I know a lot of awesome people born this month though, so no hating. We love August! Yay! Moving on…
I am beaming. Beaming from all the love and laughter and sunshine from my birthday yesterday. I didn’t know I was that loved. Why y’all been keeping the love to yourselves huh? I practically had to threaten some of you to send your entries yesterday… Lol. In all, it was a good day. Scratch that, an awesome day! Possibly my best birthday ever! Nothing spectacular happened per se, but I don’t remember the last time I wasn’t depressed on my birthday. I’m still overwhelmed, I am loved. πŸ˜€ Team happy people. We choose happy!
So, my new job is stressful! Okay, I know it’s too soon to say anything really but these people are not playing at all. Already dishing out assignments like it’s no man’s business (what does that even mean?). I do like the work environment though, it’s friendly and warm, and everyone seems at ease. Yay. I don’t like that I’m gonna have to be corporately dressed all the time. Come on people, it’s 2012 – smart casual for the win. What’s with all the suit wearing? -_-
Thanks to the new job schedule, I have to cut down on a lot of other things. It’s so unfair. I wanna explore, I wanna travel, I wanna learn new things, endless adventure. Sigh… I don’t see myself doing this for very long.
July, I was so lazy with my diet and general healthy living. I’m ashamed to even say. I didn’t put on any extra pounds but I didn’t lose any either. I have to fix up this month. I just signed up to work out at the stadium and use their equipment.
Tennis is hard! That’s all
The acoustic guitar is such a sexy instrument. Lovely sound. Strings.. Beautiful.
I need to learn new words. My vocabulary is becoming quite boring.
I got new books! ^_^
Paid for a weekend getaway later this month. I hope I can make it.
Still too scared to do the major big chop on my hair. Why won’t my hair just magically grow so I can cut off the relaxed part? I know, be patient. Soon.
Met two fabulous people last weekend. I’ve “known” them for a while but we finally physically met a few days ago. I’m making new friends!!! Yay me!
God is a faithful lover. My first husband. I know it sounds weird but hopefully I can explain it soon.
Forget what I said earlier, August is a wonderful month. Just you wait and see.

Kisses,
FutureNewYorker!