Monthly Archives: October 2012

On Moving Forward


I still haven’t forgiven her. I don’t know that I can. I want to, but I’m not sure how. Whenever I see her, there’s a continuous churning on my insides. I want her to see that she hurt me. I want her to see that she betrayed me, betrayed my trust. I trusted her. We were friends, sisters. I could have done anything for her. She ruined it. Maybe it would be easier if she apologized, accepted that she was wrong, or even acknowledges that there is a problem and perhaps shows a willingness to correct it.
She hasn’t changed. Eight years after, she’s still the same manipulative person that she was, doing the same things that made me mad in the first place. No, I wasn’t mad. Maybe if I was, I would have confronted her then. I was more disappointed than anything else. I didn’t want to believe it, so I didn’t ask. I thought I could will it away, until I saw her do it again and again to me and several others, without any form of remorse, if I may add. As I’ve watched her cover up this rather unbecoming behavior with a sense of spirituality, my disappointment has slowly grown to rage, indifference, and finally disgust. Now I can’t stand her.
I want to be the bigger person and address the issue but I can’t forget. Every time I see her, I’m reminded just how spiteful she can be. What is forgiveness if there’s no forgetting? Sometimes, I just wish I can come to a place where I don’t care. I understand that letting go of the hurt really is for my own good than it is for hers or anyone else’s and I do want to forgive her, but then I don’t. I know what the Bible says and I want to obey, but I can’t.
And so I put up a guard: no one will ever hurt me like that again; no one will ever get that close. Yes I make friends, but my friendship comes with an invisible clause. I shouldn’t have to live like this. I shouldn’t be the one paying for someone else’s wrongs.
Sigh… I need to let this go. I need help.

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Random Update!


Hello everyone!
The extra long weekend is finally winding down, it’s back to work tomorrow and with the festive season so close, I know I’ll be working overtime almost daily. Sigh
Anyhoo, I’m grateful for the extra days of rest that came with the holiday. Not like I rested much, but well, I got to do a lot of the stuff I’d been postponing for ages, like my laundry! I have clean clothes once again. Whoop!
I also had the chance to visit some friends I haven’t seen in a while. One of my girls came from out of town and it was really refreshing to just talk, mostly meaningless banter.
And I saw my god-daughter! *huge grin* Hadn’t seen her in months. She’s so grown now. In a few weeks, she’ll be a year old and she’s already running all over the place speaking loudly in a language no one else understands. She’s so beautiful, it brought tears to my eyes. I see her mum watching her lovingly, and I’m like “how can you not just love her?”. Her dad must be proud much. Still can’t figure out what to get her for her birthday. She already has everything I have in mind, plus extra. Talk about daddy spoiling her silly.
I also went to visit another friend, and although I’m not official godmother to her gorgeous four month old, I still felt extra special holding my “god son”. He has the cutest smile that only lasts for the briefest of seconds but still has the ability to make you melt from within. Babies are special!
You remember when I said there was something God was nudging to do but I didn’t want to cause I knew it’ll be hard? Well, I finally got around to doing it. It’s a lifelong thing (I think) but I’ve started and yes it is hard and there are days I just want to quit, but it’s been a worthy experience and I feel really blessed to have the opportunity. So thanks for all the prayers.
Sabirah and Yinkus are back on blogsville! Lol.. Don’t know why I’m this excited. I did miss them both though, a great deal. Welcome back!!!
Attended a bridal shower this weekend. The bride is an old friend. I’m really happy for her. She’s one of those ones that truly deserve all the happiness she’s got. Maybe I should ask her permission to share her story here. In the meantime, let’s just say she’s had her share of kissing frogs, then she decided to wait for God’s promise of a Boaz and He didn’t disappoint. She said to me, “though it may take a while, if God promised, He’ll surely do it”. The groom, *swoon*. Very well worth the wait.
I think I finally know what it is I REALLY want to do with myself (career wise). I shared with a few people who know me well and they all agree that I’d be crazy not to do it. Surprisingly, last week, two random people asked me why I didn’t study a course related to that field in school. They had no idea I was already thinking in that direction. Is that some kind of confirmation? The thing is, I could stay in my current field and become very successful, but will I find as much happiness and fulfillment as I would in this “new” field? I think not. It does require further education and I can’t burden my parents with that extra responsibility at this stage so there’s a lot to consider. I need direction. (And of course, there are the people who don’t see the need to pursue another career and have taken it upon themselves to “lecture” me on the cons *shrug*).
Oh well, I’ve just been through the toughest month and I’m still standing, still smiling, still being thankful even when I don’t feel like it. Funny thing is, it doesn’t even look like I’m going to get some respite soon but I’m not worried. I know it’ll pass and I’d be better for it. Looking forward to the new month and all the challenges that will come with it. Regardless of the tough times, I do have a lot to be thankful for. God has been faithful, I can’t even deny that. If for nothing else, I’m grateful for all the growth I’ve experienced this year.
Wishing you the very best of this new week.
Kisses, love and light,
FutureNewYorker!

Shadowlands…


There will be good times as well as not so good times. There is a time for everything. There will be times of despair. Don’t let anyone trick you into believing that it’ll always be rosy, no matter the circumstance. In those dark times, to whom do you cling?
“My aim is to raise hopes by pointing the way of life without end. This is the life God promised long ago – and HE DOESN’T BREAK HIS PROMISES!” Titus 1:2 THE MESSAGE (emphasis mine)
God never promised that there won’t be difficult times but He promised to be there even when you pass through the fire and the flood. His promises will always be true, regardless of the circumstance.
It may be difficult to see what He has said mostly because we are blinded by our pain. Reach out your hand in faith anyway, and cling to His Word.
God has given us His very great and precious promises (2 Peter 1:4) so we can participate in the exciting life that He offers and overcome the world’s corruption and He never goes back on His word or breaks His promise. If he says a thing, he watches over it to perform it. He’s not a man that He should lie, or the son or man that He would change His mind, if He says it, He’ll surely do it. Though it tarries, wait for it, it will speak.
Take Him at His word at all times, and especially when you are in the shadowlands.
His Word says:
* He will never leave us or forsake us (Deut 31:6; Heb 13:5)
* He won’t let us be tempted beyond what we can handle (1 Cor 10:13)
* When we cry out to Him, He hears and will save us (Ps 145:19)
* If we draw near to Him, He will draw near to us (James 4:8)
* If we humble ourselves, He will lift us up (James 4:10)
* If we are in need of rest, He will provide it (Matt 11:28)
* If we need strength to resist the evil one, He will supply it ( 2Thess 3:3)

It is well… Everything good will come 🙂
Kisses,
FutureNewYorker!

P.S. Today, I’m grateful for forgiveness I’ve received and for the grace to extend it to others. What are you grateful for?

What Are You Grateful For?


Hello there!
How’s your weekend going? Hopefully, you’ve had an exciting one. I’m kinda sad it’s coming to an end, mostly because I need a few extra hours to rest before the hassle of the new week. My weekends are generally very busy.. I could use some more hours in the day. Aside from that though, it’s been a really good weekend, quite productive.
Yesterday, I put this up as my bbm personal message, “What are you grateful for?” And I got quite a number of responses. Then someone asked me what I was grateful for. I have a long list of things that I’m genuinely grateful for but I’ll share with you what I’m grateful for today.
* For the miracle of sleeping and waking up.
* For the gift of a mother’s love and sacrificial giving.
* For life and for living
* For gifts, talents, abilities and untapped resources
* For the gift of salvation and adoption into God’s family
* For music, worship, expressions of praise, thanksgiving and love.. And for the ability to partake in it
* For the gift of the five senses
* For food, shelter, and clothing
* For safety from natural disasters
* For dreams and hope for the future
* For visions of heaven and the piece of it experienced here on earth everyday
* For family and friends
* For growth, learning and discovering

I’m not sure who started it, but sometime ago on twitter, there was a “what are you grateful for” trend. I remember looking forward to reading what people had to be grateful for each day; little things that we ordinarily take for granted. At that time I also did a 30days gratitude challenge and I even got a gratitude journal. Recently, I’ve been making a conscious effort to think about at least one thing that I’m thankful for each day. The more we focus on things that are out of our reach, the more frustrated we become. God wants us to be content, and one way to ensure living a life of contentment is to be grateful for what we have.
Take some time out today and everyday this week to focus on the things that you have, and be truly thankful for them. Spend 7days being thankful and take your mind off the worries of life… Living is so much easier when we find contentment.
Have a blessed week.
Kisses,
FutureNewYorker!

Dare To Dream


You know that expression, “waiting to exhale”, I feel like that’s the way my life is these days. Like I’m waiting to breathe. Waiting to start living.
I have dreams, as I’m sure almost everyone does, a picture of my ideal life; of what the perfect life would be like… Living the dream. We are all encouraged to dream, to paint a picture of a preferred future, to have a vision. We are thought to make plans and to have smart goals. Life is predominantly about the pursuit of happiness. Life is not worth living if we do not have some sort of plan for the future. Take it a step further, we must go beyond this ultimate dream and actually make a step by step plan for it’s fulfillment. Plain English: Goals, Plans, Targets. Name it, vision boards, mission statements, S.M.A.R.T. Goals, and what not, we’ve been taught them all. Not a day goes by without a variation of the question “what are you doing today to ensure that tomorrow is perfect?”, posed at you.
And then we are reminded that tomorrow isn’t promised, and that we must learn to enjoy where we are now on the way to where we want to be. The journey is much more important than the destination. Live each day like it’s your last. Take out time to breathe, smell the roses, enjoy what you have. And on and on and on…
All of this leaves me feeling slightly confused. Do I love the way my life is right now? Honestly, no I want more. And I think there is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting more. Trick question: where does the wanting end?

* * * * * * * * * * * * *

I wrote the first part of this post a while ago and I was going through my journal last night when I saw it again. I guess the point I was trying to make there is: what happens when you have so many unrealized dreams? How much dreaming is too much? Why not focus on living each day as it comes rather than dreaming about a tomorrow that is uncertain? Anyway, I found my answer in today’s reading from one of the Devotionals I use. I’ll share:

“God can do anything, you know – far more than you could ever imagine or guess or request in your wildest dreams! He does it not by pushing us around but by working within us, his spirit deeply and gently within us” Ephesians 3:20 (THE MESSAGE)
God doesn’t want us to settle for mediocrity in our lives. He doesn’t want us to just grow old and let go of our dreams. He spoke through Prophet Joel when He said, “I will pour out my Spirit on all people. Your sons and daughters will prophecy, your old men will dream dreams, your young men will see visions” (Joel 2:28). Peter quoted this passage on the Day of Pentecost after the Holy Spirit came in a powerful way. Through the pages of the bible, God often revealed His will in dreams and visions… We have a God who loves fulfilling big dreams.
Solomon said, “Much dreaming and many words are meaningless. Therefore stand in awe of God” (Eccl. 5:7). Our dreams apart from God, mean nothing. But when we lay our dreams before Him and submit them to His will, He accomplishes more than we ever dreamed or imagined. He says to us today: “Risk your life and get more than you ever dreamed of. Play it safe and end up holding the bag” (Luke 19:26, THE MESSAGE). The choice is up to us.

Generally, as people grow up most of us forget to dream or simply don’t take time for it. I think that many of us are scared to dream because dreaming potentially invites disappointment if those dreams go unfulfilled. On the other hand, not being willing to dream keeps us out of touch with certain parts of our hearts, and therefore we live but are not fully alive. I don’t want to live that way. I want my heart to be fully alive and kicking – even if it does hurt at times. Even as you live each day, savoring the moments, dare to dream of a tomorrow that fully captures your heart. If you could picture your life in its most fulfilled state, one in which you are absolutely alive to all the possibilities God has placed in your heart, what would that look like?
The key is balance – Live in the moment, but don’t forget to dream (keeping God in the equation, laying these dreams before Him and submitting to His will).
I hope I make sense.

Kisses,
FutureNewYorker!

P.S. Today, I’m grateful for the ability to dream in color and for hope for the future. What are you grateful for?

A Case Of The Lost and Found Treasure


Hey There!
So I got a miracle today! 😀
Sometime last year, I got an autographed copy of Bez’s SuperSun album. Anyone who knows me would know that I have mad love for Bez and his music. This my original CD has been used to make many a shakara for countless people. Did I mention that it was autographed my Bez himself? Yes? It bears repeating, no? :p
Anyhoo, earlier this year, I wanted to make extra “shakara” for my friend E. He had mentioned that he had not been blessed with the opportunity of listening to the awesomeness that is the SuperSun album. Out of the kindness and generosity of my heart, I took the CD pack along with me on one of my visits. I guess the universe thought it was time to bring me down a notch and knock the chip off my shoulder. When I got to E’s I promptly and proudly whipped out this beloved CD of mine and handed it over for E’s listening pleasure, quickly mentioning that I would not allow the ripping of the content of said CD unto his PC. Alas, we opened the pack and it was empty, save for the “booklet” that I could care less about at that point. You can only imagine the horror. I couldn’t for the life of me comprehend what could have happened to my priceless possession. Long story short, I searched everywhere it could have been, and accused everyone who had as much as set eyes on it of taking my beloved, until I reluctantly had to accept that it was lost and gone forever ( -̩̩̩͡˛ -̩̩̩͡) . I still treasured the pack anyway, giving it a special place in my collection, standing proudly next to my original “Best of Aerosmith” album, also autographed. 😀
Fast forward to miracle hour, I was in my room earlier today nursing myself from the aftermath of a very eventful night (long story), unable to go to work, when my sister walked in handing over my lost CD which she had found in some outrageous place.. I honestly wasn’t listening to her explanation. I was beyond ecstatic. I mean, this is the sort of “Prrrraaaaaaaaaaiiiiiiiiiise da Loooooooooooooorrrrrrrrrrddddddddddddd” moment that happens in church scenes of Nollywood movies. I’ve got my treasured album back it’s been on repeat all day.
I’m now in the sort of mood where you can ask me for anything, even half of my kingdom (if I had one), and I’ll gladly hand it over. So yeah, it’s a miracle and you MUST rejoice with me, if I have anything to say about it. Yipppeee!!! Don’t look at me like that, join in the dance ┐(‘⌣’┐) ƪ(˘ە˘)┐ ┐(‘⌣’┐) ƪ(˘ە˘)┐ (┌’⌣’)┌ .
Lol.. Pardon me please.

Today I’m grateful for small miracles that manifest themselves in items lost, and found. What are you grateful for?
Kisses,
FutureNewYorker!

Being Present


Hey everyone!
It’s been a while. I haven’t posted anything this month and I can come up with a list of excuses, ranging from how stressful work has been, to how tied up I was with church activities, to the fact that I’ve been ill for the last few days and I’m still recovering, to the fact that I’ve been offline for the past one week, but in all honesty, I just haven’t felt like writing. If I really wanted to, I’m sure I could have found the time to put up a post or two.
I do feel bad that I’ve kinda neglected this blog, like I’ve been neglecting a lot of things lately. The things that once mattered just don’t make that much sense anymore. I feel tired. More like exhausted. And I seem to be angry a lot these days. Not violent type of angry. More like upset and irritated with things I used to be able to tolerate. Usually, my solution to this would be to take a break from it all. But this is real life and I can’t just up and walk away from work or friends or family. I have to be present.
I can’t even articulately express what I feel right now. For someone who is usually self-expressive, this is strange. Anyway, I guess this is my way of saying I’m trying to be present. I’m trying to deal. I’m trying to at least make an effort. I’m not running away or avoiding the issues, I’m here. And I’m grateful for small miracles and blessings in disguise; for a place to call home; for hope lost and found; for strength in moments of weakness; most importantly, for Grace and Love so amazing.

Kisses,
FutureNewYorker!