Monthly Archives: May 2013

Off The Playlist


It’s pretty easy to stand in one spot (or lay on the couch) and think about all the things that went wrong. It’s pretty easy to think of all the things that should be happening now that aren’t. Reminiscing about the good ol’ days and how you had such hopes and aspirations for the future, that’s the easy part! Being stuck in yesterday, piece of cake! It’s even a lot easier to allow ourselves get distracted from what’s really important. You know the hard part? Moving on!
Lately, I’ve had someone say to me repeatedly, “you have to let go” or “move on”, and I’m quick to lash out, “move on to what?!”. Because holding on is easy. Because being here, stuck in time, is easy… Familiar. I don’t know what else I have if I don’t have these things that I’m holding on to. The pain. The blame. The tears. These are real. Asking me to let go is a task I’m not so eager to embark on.
Everyone will listen to a song (or experience any form of art) and interpret it differently. In light of all that I’ve said above, this is what Switchfoot’s Dare You To Move means to me…

Welcome to the planet
Welcome to existence
Everyone’s here
Everyone’s here
Everybody’s watching you now
Everybody waits for you now
What happens next
What happens next

[Chorus]
I dare you to move
I dare you to move
I dare you to lift yourself up off the floor
I dare you to move
I dare you to move
Like today never happened
Today never happened before

Welcome to the fallout
Welcome to resistance
The tension is here
Tension is here
Between who you are and who you could be
Between how it is and how it should be

[Chorus]

Maybe redemption has stories to tell
Maybe forgiveness is right where you fell
Where can you run to escape from yourself?
Where you gonna go?
Where you gonna go?
Salvation is here

I dare you to move
I dare you to move
I dare you to lift yourself up off the floor
I dare you to move
I dare you to move
Like today never happened
Today never happened
Today never happened
Today never happened before

…Be present. Let go of the things that tie you to the past. Mistakes aren’t the end of the world. Yes, it hurts. Yes, it’ll be so easy for you to curl up on the floor and hang on the memorabilia of the past. Instead, choose the hard part. Move! Let go! Take a step! You may not see the entire picture but be bold enough to take the first step. Isn’t this the faith we preach? Isn’t this the walk that God has called us to? Take hold of salvation that is HERE! Now! Forgetting the past, reach out to the future. It’ll seem impossible… Thankfully, we’re not alone. Abba’s got us. Without faith, it is impossible to please Him. Exercise that faith and get off the floor. Trust Him to catch your fall.
Why do I suddenly feel like I’m ranting? Lol… I guess I’m “preaching” to myself tonight. Yo Kov, let’s have some church in hurr!!! Haha… This song is basically like a theme song for me right now. It’s tough.. I’m unsure what the next step is but I’m not going to keep hanging on to the things I cannot change, so help me God.

19.05.13


Funny what just crossed my mind… “I Love You”. It was a whisper. I heard it. Chills down my spin. I smiled so hard my cheeks ached. Then I wrote HIM a letter.
Abba!! Abba loves me. It’s not just cause the Bible tells me so, it’s cause Abba said it to me Himself. Last year. It should be in that old journal, the red one. I’ll search for it.
I Love You.
I Love YOU too, Abba. :*

We Are 1!


Hello there!
It’s one year today since I started blogging here… I initially thought I’d make a big to-do out of it but neh. Lol
I honestly didn’t think I’d stay committed to this when I first started. I didn’t tell anyone about it for months and even now some of my closest friends still don’t know this exists. I think most of the people who know about this blog are friends I made online.
Anywho, it’s been a year, whoop!
I just want to take this time to say thank you to everyone who’s been reading and leaving comments or sending mails or just reading in silence (I see y’all..lol). Thanks for the kind words. I’m glad that FutureNewYorker has helped me stay grounded… Sometimes, I feel accountable to you guys and that helps me make sensible choices (most times). There’s plenty I want to say, but I can’t find the words.
On the next step, I really don’t know in what direction this blog will go. I’m not sure I want to leave it as is. I’ve even considered shutting it down, maybe it’s run it’s course. Idk idk idk. We’ll see…
I’ve been thinking a lot about all the things I want to do with myself in this new chapter and it’s looking like I’ll be making some huge decisions soon. Keep me in your prayers please. I need direction.
I may be taking a hiatus of sorts… I’m not sure how long it’ll last (not too long, I hope), so this is a heads up. You can always email me though if you miss me too much 😀
Hopefully, by the time I get back this place will be sunny and cherry and bright and all things nice.
Again, really grateful to everyone who comes here. We are ONE!!!!!
Kisses,
FutureNewYorker!

P.S. I’m grateful for all the feedback on my last post. If you sent me an email, I’ll be replying you sometime today. I’m in a much better place than I was that day… Gracias!

9-05-2013


Before I picked up my device to start writing this, I knew exactly what it was I wanted to write. Now that I’m holding the device however, my thoughts have gone all shy on me…
This is the story of my life. One minute I’m so sure, I’m convinced that I know where I’m going, I can categorically tell you (insert “oga at the top” joke here) exactly what I ought to be doing, the next minute it’s all blurry.
Today was a blur. I want to be angry at someone, anyone. I want to blame someone, even if it’s myself.. But I can’t. I can’t because no one is to blame, not even me. At least, I don’t see how. Then I think about blaming Him, but I can’t. I’m too chicken to look Him in the face and say, “I blame you Abba! Why so silent? Why You gon’ act like You can’t see something’s off? You’re supposed to be in charge here, what’s up with the blur?”. I can’t say those things to Him so instead I say, “Thank You Abba… Just because”. Then I curl into a ball and cry. I cry because Abba knows… And He knows what He’s doing even if I don’t. I cry because even though I want to scream, I’m smiling and the words are choking me, forcing the tears out. I cry because I’m too weak to do anything else. I cry, but there are no tears. Weird, right?
I chose today to notice all the imperfections. Okay, I didn’t choose, they just showed up. Like when I was fixing my makeup in the car on my way to work this morning and my cheeks seemed larger than my face. Or when a colleague took an unexpected picture and I wasn’t able to do a “tummy tuck”. Or when S said “Kovie face” in relation to something round and I got upset. He says that all the time and it’s kind of a private joke, why did it affect me in a different way today? Maybe it’s because I’ve been putting in extra work and when I got on the scale this morning, it moved.. Not down, but UP!!! Huh?! I’m mad at that stupid scale. It’s definitely to blame for how today turned out. I finally found some(thing)one to blame!!!
Oh, and E had her interview today. You know the one that determines if she’ll get that PHD scholarship? Yup! She’s gon’ get it. And it left me feeling so j̶e̶a̶l̶o̶u̶s̶ unaccomplished (is this a word?) Of course, I remembered the offer I had to pass up a few weeks ago because “I’m just not that type of girl”. Gosh, it was tempting!
Then I napped for a few minutes and dreamt of J. If nothing else ruins my day, that sure would. Will there ever come a day when I’ll think of him and not feel something negative? Maybe not even feel anything at all?
I don’t ordinarily consider myself a jealous person. Today, I found out I was wrong.
Then I thought about writing here and I thought of all the people who get encouraged by most of the things I write and I felt like I couldn’t sound so “negative” on here, or anywhere else for that matter. I am posting this anyway, because it’s not everyday I feel on top of my game. Honestly, I don’t remember the last time I did.
I’ve paused writing this about three times now so pardon me if it’s disjointed. I’m not really writing this for you, sorry.
There was one bright spot today though, I imagined myself as the girl in the corner of the coffee shop typing away on her laptop, occasionally pausing to sip a drink or take a picture, and I smiled. That was the highlight of my day.
I haven’t prayed today.. Not in the way we picture the activity to be. I said a few things to Him though… At different times and in single sentences.
It’s funny how I’m not expecting things to change soon. It’s my birthday in a few months and I want to ask Abba for my pressie now… But I’m scared He’ll say “not yet”. I so want 2013 to be over, but I don’t want to get older. Sigh
I should sleep… It’s early though. I should maybe workout… To what end?