Narrate a conversation between you and someone in your life who you never had closure with (a friend, an ex, a family member, etc.) What would you say? What would they say? What outcome would you hope for?
Hmmm. I’ve been thinking about this a lot. Sometimes, I think closure is overrated. What’s done is done, why can’t we all just move on? I hold on to this until something happens again, exposing raw emotions that have gone untreated for years, showing that my hasty band-aid cover up of “let’s just move on” really hasn’t done me any good. Maybe closure isn’t so overrated after all.
What do I say to someone who was supposed to be my closest friend and confidant but ended up being the one behind years worth of misery? Calling it betrayal would be putting it mildly. We never really addressed the issue and mutual friends still don’t understand why we stopped being friends. I don’t understand it either. I carried the hurt and bitterness for years, and I’d spend hours trying to figure out what exactly would possess someone to be so cruel. I could have just asked her, right? But I didn’t. I let it eat up my insides and would literally feel my stomach churning whenever I saw her. It became easier after a while, we could have a cordial conversation without me feeling like ripping out my insides. But I held on to the bitterness and anger. I didn’t want to let that go. I felt like if I didn’t have that, then it’ll be like our friendship never existed.
After months of having God deal with me on forgiveness and love (quite recently actually), I finally broke down some weeks ago and gave up the anger. I remember crying in my bedroom, calling her name over and over again, saying, “I forgive you. I let go”. It wasn’t pretty. I did feel lighter after that. I see her more and more often these days and my smile is genuine when I say “hello”.
Now here’s the twist, a few nights ago, I was talking with Abba about something completely unrelated when He tells me to go apologise to her. Huh???? Why? I didn’t do anything wrong! That couldn’t have been God. It’s been days, and I can’t shake the voice. I spoke to my cousin about it earlier today and she reminded me of Naaman in the Bible and how the prophet asked him to go wash in the river… “If He asked you to do something more difficult, would you not do it?” Maybe she has a point.
I still haven’t figured out exactly what I’m going to say when next I see her but I’ll at least apologise for nursing ill thoughts all these years. I may not have been the initial wrong-doer, but my thoughts and actions in response were anything but Christian. They were in themselves, another wrong. I could at least apologise for that.
I have no idea what outcome I’m expecting… I just want to obey a command. Do I think this will somehow give life to our friendship? Probably not. I just know that I want to love others as I have been loved. I’ve been forgiven much, and it’s only right that I extend the same to others. And maybe, just maybe this will help me deal with the fresh wave of betrayal that recently hit me. (Lol… I seem to be packing on a lot of those.)